Varel and my next steps

I am officially taking on the challenge of defying the medical profession. As I see it, I have no choice.

The Professor in Charite  hospital / Berlin, wants me to undergo a ‘chemical treatment’ ( similar to chemo) called TDM1 which acts as an antibody similarly to Herceptin and is supposed to reduce / prevent spreading of the cancer. Having looked into it and also not forgetting that I had Herceptin for a year, which was supposed to do the same and clearly failed, hence the third ( lung cancer) operation, I have discounted this option at the moment. 

In fact a couple of weeks ago was a day that threw me back, temporarily. I understand that my cancer is now stage 4 and that I still have metastasis in my lung and behind my breast muscle. ( had to google that one and find out how large the breast muscle is and where exactly it is located.  ( almost daily I am regretting not paying more attention during Biology/ Chemistry and Physics at school). They are not able to operate.

Therefore I have two options, follow Doctor’s advice , whilst truly believing that every drop of the new drug is going to aid towards a quick death ( the list of interesting side effects is also worth digesting) or throw my heart, soul and mind into alternative treatment on every level? ( according to the my professor I have between ‘1,2 maybe 3 years life expectancy’, which he communicated to me in a typical direct German way by phone. Interestingly, I only had a minor melt down and managed to pick myself up quite quickly) The hospital can’t provide me with statistics. I wanted to know what my life expectancy chances are if I was to consider TDM1, but unfortunately according to him that is not possible, as I don’t fit ‘into protocol’, because I only had one chemo session.  In fact I had a very frustrating call with him, as he is suggesting that I should have a PET/CT scan now, then TDM1 for 6 months, followed by another PET/CT scan. When I asked him if metastasis can be seen via a PET/CT scan, he told that this was not possible, that only new tumors would be visible. I thought about this for a while, but can’t understand the logic as to why I should have a (toxic) scan now, when I have had one 3 months ago, and if it does not show metastasis anyway, which according to the Professor I now have throughout my body. For this reason, I moved the planned scan to the end of November. This will give me time to heal myself. A statement that most people are likely to laugh at.

Well, for those who know me, I am making it my mission to defy those statistics and am not only planning my 60^th Birthday ( in 6 years) but also my 70^th!

I have not written the last few weeks, mainly because I would not have known where to start and what to write. I am also fully aware that the next few publications of my blog are likely to be interpreted as ‘Anke has officially lost her mind’. No, I have not, in fact I have FOUND my mind.

I wholeheartedly believe that any illness is created by the individual and that any symptoms are merely a warning sign that we are ‘not ok’ in mind, soul and heart. ( Rutty, Tobers, Orpin …… don’t register me in a mental home just yet). I know that these words coming from me, seem pretty unbelievable and far fetched. In fact much of what I have experienced , heard and done these last few weeks, I would have simply laughed at a few years ago and carried on working.

My last entry was written just after I arrived in Varel. I had the greatest fortune of renting an apartment from the kindest people I have met in my life. Inge and Hartmut live in the main house, where I rented the apartment. Their kindness has reduced me to tears a couple of times. I was invited to countless dinners, was driven when I could not ride the bike due to ( the glorious wet and windy spring ) rain and storms and have found a lovely friend in Inge. She bakes the most amazing cakes and has filled me up with herbal teas on a daily basis.

Sadly I had to move out after a couple of weeks, as she had other bookings. ( When I booked her place I had not idea how long I would stay and only initially booked 2 weeks). This meant I had to find alternative accommodation, which I did. Peter the second landlord was also helpful and lovely, as was Ursula who owned a beautiful farmhouse with the most beautiful ‘nature garden’ ( only ever seen one like it, Chris Orpin, you know I am talking about you!! 😊).  I can’t get over the kindness of people here and am wondering why I had such negative thoughts about Germany most of my life. ( Although I actually know the answer to this).

During my stay in Varel, I met with Uwe Stein ( a Heilpraktiker, I have no idea what this is in English) every day. He is an amazing man, in his ‘previous life’  he was a diver for the navy amongst other things. A hard job where feelings and emotions were seen as weakness. Just the man for me. Having said that, at the beginning I had no idea what to expect, other then the feedback I had from Christoph who highly recommended him. 

Cutting a long story short, we talked and talked. He did a ‘Familienrueckstellung’, which takes you back to day one, almost, and the summary of my  time with him can only be collated  with these words: ( quoted in Erika J Chopich’s book, where she talks about ‘Inner Bonding Therapy’)

Everyone of us has two personality aspects, the adult and the child. If these two parts are in contact with each other and work together,  then we experience a feeling of completeness. If, however these two parts are not in contact with each other, be it because we are hurt, upset, or have not grown wise to this revelation, then we don’t function and a feeling of conflict ( internal conflict), emptiness and loneliness develop.

To acknowledge our ‘inner child’ and to value it, is the fundamental essence . There are plenty of books written about this subject, all suggest that a mental ‘unbalance’ ( upset, disappointment, resentment, anger, frustration etc, i.e. negative emotions often in the subconscious mind) is likely to affect our bodies over the long term,  to becoming ill. These illnesses could be anything , the worst of course being cancer.

Furthermore I believe that if my body can create a toxic environment and let cancer develop, then my body can also ‘undo’ this and create a well balanced alkaline body, which is achieved by addressing the body, soul and mind, through diet, lifestyle, calmness, meditation ( something I have not yet mastered, but am trying) mindfulness. I understand now that TODAY counts ( not because I think I am going to die soon) but because the past has past ( nothing can be changed about it) and we can’t predict the future or influence it today. Yes , of course we can make plans, but the end of the day, the old saying   ‘you never know what is around the corner’ is spot on. So why did I waste so many thoughts, so much time on analysing the past and worrying about the future? I actually have no idea and I realise now, that arguably I have wasted so much energy ( often negative energy) and wasted so much time on something I actually could not have influenced.


I will write more about this topic ( mindfulness) later.