Still standing :-)

I have struggled writing the last couple of weeks, mainly because I just dont know how to start and once started how to put down on paper ( screen) where I am at. 

I will try. I will try in the knowledge that people who know me well, are likely to declare that I have possibly lost my mind. And that is fine too.

I feel that my life is running in parallels at the moment. On the one hand I am focusing on Cannabis oil and Herceptin. Herceptin which was supposed to finish this August, but the oncologist now wants to extend it as a result of my second cancer tumor. When I asked him if they had any statistics on taking Herceptin for 18 months, which was what he suggested, he told me that there was no research. Therefore bearing in mind that the side effects of Herceptin are heart failure, I have no intention of extending beyond August.
Geoff and I just spent a lovely few days in London, catching up with the kids and I smile now, thinking back at Geoff’s horrified face, every time I pulled out my Cannabis oil in a restaurant. ( I am still taking it every 8 hours on the highest dosage, which unfortunately means my days don’t start until lunchtime)

Apart from Cannabis Oil and Herceptin, I have totally changed my diet. I don’t eat much cooked food now, mainly raw, mainly salads with everything ‘healthy thrown in’. I drink very little wine ( for me!!!) a glass of red wine a day. ( I don’t feel bad about that, as I base this on the findings of Professor Richard Beliveau and Dr Denis Gingras who have written the most interesting book ‘Foods to fight cancer’.) I am still following the Budwig diet, which is my ‘breakfast’ , usually consumed between 13.00 and 14.00pm J.

This is and has been my approach since last year, yet, the second cancer grew.  It is interesting to note, that many emails and phone calls later, I still to date, don’t have the actual result of my  ‘second’ cancer. The oncologist who needs the results, referred me back to the surgeon , who referred me back to the pathologist, who referred me back to the surgeon, who in return referred me back to me, telling me that I need to drive to the laboratory in Malaga with a special code and try to pick it up. We live in hope, with some luck I will get the result next week.

This is the easy part of my recovery.  ‘Easy’ might be the wrong word to use, is has not been easy. With the effect of the Cannabis oil, I feel my days, weeks, months are merging into one big ‘ must get better’ mission. Whilst sleeping a lot is good for my recovery, I am missing a lot of life going on around me. My family are struggling with me, as I am struggling to organise my days in a productive way, but seemingly failing to achieve this.  What I am referring to  when stating ‘ the easy’ part of my recovery, I mean that is is something I understand, something I can affect and something I can do. I have taken charge of my body and it’s recovery. I think I have this pretty much under control.

I will now try to explain the ‘not so easy’ part. The reason I struggled to write the last few weeks.

I had heard of  a ‘holistic approach’ to medicine, but did not really know what people meant, when referring to it. By chance , or should I say, fortuitously Jan texted me one evening very late, to inform me that his wife and son had signed up and started a  5 day course in Qigong (pronounced ‘chee-gung’). He asked if I was interested to join. He briefly explained to me what Qigong was. Translated into English it means ‘Energy cultivation’,  http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/Qigong   although Jan referred to it as ‘meditation’. Not having ever tried anything remotely similar to this, I agreed and turned up the following morning joining the group who had started the course the previous day.

Walking into the group reminded me of the many times that I was ‘the new girl in class’. When I was young,  my parents moved frequently which resulted in my brother and myself finding ourselves in 4 schools over a period of 4 years as a result. No doubt these experiences have helped shape us into the independent people both my brother and I have become, but also there were some awful, difficult and upsetting times, of being singled out, not ‘fitting in’, standing out, drawing attention to myself , trying to catch up with the curriculum etc. Well, walking into the group that morning, took me back to these times. I hated Day 1! I had no idea what was going on. When handed a sheet with Chinese symbols and English translations and watching the group ( who had a head start by one day) around me starting some of the exercises, I really struggled. I struggled to understand the teacher, who remind me of ‘Hank’ from ‘Father of the bride’. I understood at best every 10^th word. How did the others understand??

Cutting a long story short, but the last , 4^th day, we were gathered on the south facing lawn of a beautiful villa above Competa, in a circle, practising what we had ( hoped) to learn. Something to strange happened to me, that I can’t explain. We were all standing in large circle, with the instructor in the middle, everyone (but me) had their eyes closed, whilst doing the exercises. I kept squinting with one eye, as I could not remember all the moves and was also distracted by a motorised hang glider, who passed by the lawn no further than a couple of hundred feet at the same height. I found it so hard to do the exercises. Having said that, I did experience a strange feeling, whilst carrying out the exercise with the Qigong gentle music in the background, I found myself in tears. They were streaming down my face and it would not stop. I could not explain why, I felt happy, so peaceful and so great, yet the tears were streaming………… Later when I spoke to Jean, a lovely participant I met, she explained that this was not unusual and had happened to her, when she first started Qigong years ago. Most of the people on the course were not beginners like me.  It did make me feel less embarrassed, but still how strange.

When I tried to recall this experience later that day with my family, I found myself struggling, as I was in tears again, trying to recount and explain the experience. I think I failed, as Geoff to this day, keeps asking me what ‘it’ is.

I will try to go into more depths later, as there is so much to write about. It is safe to say that I now understand completely, that healing is not just a physical think but mental and I would go as far as saying that the mental healing is more important and the catalyst to healing the rest of the body.

This is what I am focusing on now I addition to everything else I have described and I can honestly say, it is an amazing journey, one I will describe in more detail in my next post.