Whimp............

That is how I felt about myself today. 

The place where the biopsy was carried out, felt like a busy market place or school play ground. Finding it was one thing, no parking anywhere and I walked for what felt like a very long time (only 20 min) to find it. On entering I was taken back by the noise of the 50 or more-people waiting in the entrance hall. It felt chaotic. A small reception, wide enough for one person to be served, which was used by three to four people at a time. People filling in their medical questionnaires, people paying their bills, others making appointments and me, trying to make myself seen and heard (something I normally don’t have a problem with).
Even after all these years of living here, I still struggle to understand the Spanish mentality. Everyone talks to everyone, asking each other about their aches and pains and giving each other advise. Normally I would find it entertaining, today, I wound me up.

When my name was eventually called ( it felt like a life time, but was actually no more than 15 min), I was sent down into the basement and was met by a friendly lady, who introduced herself as the pathologist.

I had to lie down on my side, and felt the first needle which was meant to be a local anaesthetic, but what I was not prepared for was the horrendous paid when the long needle was ‘stabbed’ into my armpit, twice. So much for the anaesthetic working.

It hurt that much, I was in tears and told the pathologist to stop. No more! I don’t know if she had planned to have a third go or not, but I was not going to let that happen. I did not expect this to hurt that much.

The biopsy I had nearly a year ago in my breast, was nothing compared to this pain. Once I was dressed again, I am not proud to say, that I headed for the nearest toilet and burst into tears again.  Pain, frustration, anger, fear all together in one big sob / sobs. After a view minutes, I gave myself a mental ‘kick up the backside’, put on my lipstick (don’t feel dressed without it), bearing in mind that my mascara was looking worse for wear.

Whatever was the matter with me. 10 months on, one breast operation, lymph node infection, chemotherapy, going bald as a coot / baby’s bum, countless Herceptin sessions, and today was the day, I broke down in tears.

I think I am just fed up, this unwelcome  egg sized lump under the arm, is / was not on my ‘obstacles I needed to overcome list’.  I am angry for feeling that I have ‘giving in’ to a biopsy, something I wanted to avoid on all counts. But as it has grown, I know it was the sensible way to go………..
I left, with a sore arm, sore armpit and sore breast…….great, just in time for Herceptin, after which the other arm hurt, due to more ‘needle poking’. So here I am, with two sore arms and I can’t even have a glass of wine, instead I opened a packet of chocolate biscuits and am not feeling guilty about the ‘sod it’ attitude I seem to have tonight.

Tomorrow will be another day, and on Friday, the day after tomorrow, I should know, if all this today was for nothing or if they find that I have cancer or god knows what. I am not thinking about it, until I know more. Back to work tomorrow !

I would add that it was a lovely surprise for Kyla to come up with baby Aiyála, who really is just a dream baby. She never cries and is so content and a cuddle with her, made it all feel so much better!