Need to sleep on it..................

Geoff always says, ‘don’t do anything if you are not balanced, sleep on it’. Whilst no doubt he is 100% correct, sleeping right now is off the agenda.

I am struggling to contain  myself. I am full of anger, and even that is putting it politely.

Putting it into a nutshell, Dr Molino my surgeon last year, did not cut everything out.  I had cancer in one of my lymph nodes. Since last June the cancer under my arm has been growing.  Dr Heymans confirmed it was an ‘infection’. One hell of an infection if you ask me.

I have had blood test, checking for tumor activity throughout  the year, all of which came back clear. I had scans, all of which were clear. I had Herceptin, which one could argue ‘contained the cancer’ or in my book ‘might have made it worse’.

I have today found out that the cancer under my arm is contained ( I guess a reason to celebrate) It has not spread. ( Unfortunately I don’t feel so  happy right now). I have found out that I have ‘something’ on my liver, my lung and my other breast, but it is believed not to be cancerous. Is that good news? I guess I should see it as that. I have been advised to ‘keep an eye on it’. Roger that!

A couple of days ago, I was expecting the worst. I was expecting to hear that the cancer had riddled my body, which it by today’s report it has not. My challenge is believing anything that any doctor now says to me.

A couple of days ago, I was looking through my wardrobe, ready to start throwing out, as I might not wear it or need it again. So surely, today’s news is a reason to celebrate? To celebrate that I have ‘only’ cancer in my lymph node.  Well, I am not celebrating. Does that make me ungrateful? I could be in the same position as Jan’s on, riddled with it. Why am I then feeling resentment, anger, fury, frustration?

I have basically wasted and lost one year of my life ( so far).  Since June 2016 I have been doing whatever was in my power to ensure that I was getting well again, under the false believe, that I was ‘cancer free’. When really I was not! I have lived under the illusion that all was going well, it was only an infection and all other tests, scans etc were positive. Well that was not the case. I was living in a dream world.

Tomorrow I am driving to the Portuguese boarder to meet another doctor, who actually comes highly recommended. I am looking forward to meeting him.
Today’s surgeon, wants me to have the operation next Monday. ( the cynic in me thinks, ‘of course she is pushing for an operation, she will earn €5000. Surely a surgeon who is paid to cut out, will always push to ‘cut’) But, I am not keen on knowing that I will end up with Lymphedema for the rest of my life, if I agree to the operation.

I will know more, or should I say will have heard another opinion by tomorrow night, after that I will decide what to do.  Geoff is rightly telling me to ‘let it go’, but I can’t help thinking that Dr Molino should have known, could have known and is likely to do it again with other desperate cancer patients………

No doubt he sleeps well at night.