The end of one year, the start of the next.................

I have been sitting in front of my key board for a while now, now sure where to start. Usually words come quite easy to me, but today, I am finding it a challenge.  Unfortunately there are too many people I know, who are likely to have similar thoughts to me. ‘ To move onto the next year!’

Only a few hours to go and this awful year is over. Amazing how much hope we put onto a ‘New Year’ , a new start , a fresh beginning , for so many people. But, how do we know that the next year is any different? Life , if we are lucky enough to experience it, just goes on, doesn’t it?

The majority of people are so engrossed in their own busy lives, and I wonder how many actually reflect on the ‘past year’ and analyse if they could have done anything to live a better live during that year.
I have never been one for ‘new years resolutions’. When I was in my twenties and I guess thirties, my focus on a new year, tended to be very superficial. ‘Lose weight’ seems to have dominated my life and from what I recall was my only ever new year’s resolution, that and getting fit. Comical really, as without trying I lost 16 pounds  this year, something I wished for most of my life. The year I came across cancer. I am not using the words, ‘ I am fighting cancer’, as I am not fighting it.

This year, the year Kyla our eldest got engaged, got married, got pregnant. The year, Dan had his reversal operation and had the all clear from cancer. The year, we gained a son in law. We never expected to ‘love’ a son in law, but here it is. We love him and he has become part of our family, like I never expected.

The year, Rhea moved together with Ben. The year she got a great promotion. The year, Jack bought his first property in London. All these wonderful events, we so enjoyed being part of. It is a shame it was overshadowed by my cancer journey.  

But, things happen for a reason. There is a reason why I  ended up with cancer. I don’t know what the reason was, but I do know the effect it had on myself and the rest of my family. It is a journey, as I keep saying. A journey, where not only I but my entire family have adapted to and we are all now ‘running with it’.  It feels quite calming.  A surreal year. Looking back I feel calm and in control.  I will continue to ‘do my thing’,  exploring every avenue on  alternative treatment.  My plan is to have a PET scan next August, when I finished Herceptin, providing I don’t die from heart failure first.  This brings me to an interesting observation .

The last few weeks, I have been feeling washed out, tired and without much energy, struggling for breath as soon as I walk more than 100 meters.  So here is the interesting bit, I saw a different oncologist last week when I had Herceptin. She asked me how much I weighed, which is now 70 KG, and noted that I started my treatment when I was 78 KG. Although she did not say anything else, I started to think about this afterwards. Before my first Chemo session I was weighed as part of the ‘how much do we pump into the veins’ exercise. I am now wondering if the current dose is too high. If I am receiving the same amount of Herceptin into my body , that I received when I weighed more, could this be the reason I feel so awful and weak? Is the amount of fluid pumped into me, calculated by my weight? I lost 10% of my overall weight. Should Herceptin be reduced therefore? Why was my weight so important at the beginning?  And if weight plays an important factor when calculating how much they pump into me, why did nobody  notice that I lost some weight? I will ask ‘my’ oncologist when I see him again the 18 January.

The last 10 days, feels like a whirl wind. A warm,fun, tiring, busy whirl wind. The last three days, Geoff has been busy dropping the kids and adoptive kids (Michael and Rebecca) off again. Michael flew back to China, Jack and Rhea back to the UK and Rebecca to Paris. Flights were delayed and others cancelled, the strike in the UK did not make travelling much easier, but everyone has made it here for Christmas and back again. A lovely time was had by all and I am not proud to say, that I gave in to chocolate and champagne and what's more important, but I did not beat myself up about it, and loved every bit of it.