4th Herceptin day!

I could not sleep last night and spent the night, 'solving problems’, 'thinking', 'making mental lists' of what I need to do, yet, this morning, I don't remember much of the 'solutions'.

I do remember one thought, (frightening whats going on in my head). I am writing this whilst sitting in the waiting room, surrounded by people who are having chemo. Strange seeing all these 'sick' people. There is s lady in reception just sobbing her heart out. I wonder what blow has just been delivered to her. ( no doubt in a 'friendly, direct, un-empathetic' bedside manner , I have  previously had the pleasure of experiencing). My heart goes out to the poor woman. Her world has clearly just collapsed. I look at each one here waiting in waiting room and wonder what their story is...... I surprise myself as I notice that I don’t see myself as ‘one of them’.  Maybe I am still after all these months in denial, but as far as I am concerned I am not ill, I no longer have cancer, I am here to suffer through 12 months’ worth of Herceptin, that is all.

Back to my 'rather superficial , actually unimportant  ' thoughts.  Isnt it strange how when men lose their hair with age ( well it seems to happen more to men, dont you think? ) , they lose it on their head. Not their legs, chest, ears, neck and other areas. Why? Is the hair on our heads do much weaker or is there a medical scientific reason for this.  When my hair started to fall out, my head ( hair on my head) was the last to fall out. Now, ( clearly we have some kind of positive development) if is growing back everywhere I dont want it and were I want it ( my huge bald head) , it seems to be the slowest. I know!!!, who cares? I just wondered.... this is what happens when I can’t sleep.

That shows how effective the CB oil is, even if taken only to sleep. I did not take any last night as I had to be up early for blood test and heart scan before the next Herceptin session now.

The oncologist is pushing me to have Herceptin for one year, and maybe I was dreaming, in my  mind I had worked on 12 session on Herceptin every 3 weeks, would have meant 36 weeks of this, but according to the oncologist yesterday, he is talking about 17 sessions. I am not happy. When I asked again about exercise, he was clear in that the only exercise I should be doing is. ‘walking’. Give me a break!!! Walking!!!  I have had 4 sessions now, which leaves another 13 sessions, 39 weeks! My muscles will shrivel up like prunes, I end up looking like ‘Madge’ from ‘Benidorm.  

According to the oncologist, who spend some time studying my heart scan I have earlier today, my heart has slightly expanded, which is to be expected as it is one of the side effects of Herceptin. ‘Nothing to worry about’ though at this stage. Well that’s all right then!

When I asked him to refer me for a PET scan following the diagnoses of the Budwig Centre, he refused and explained, that with the side effects of Herceptin and the radio active liquid I would have to swallow, the risk of heart failure is too great. The earliest I could have the PET scan would be 6 weeks after my final Herceptin session.
Am I the only one who can’t get her head around the fact, that ‘medication’ can cause death!?
 

 Robbie, I missed your singing today!!!