Obsessed?

I was told that I was ‘obsessed with cancer’ yesterday. Initially I was upset by the comment, but on reflection, I think the statement is correct. The first thing I think about when I open my eyes is ‘cancer’, my days are filled with ‘cancer’ and the last thing I think about at night is ‘cancer’.

That sounds like a sweeping statement,  I don’t just think ‘cancer’, but  it is there in my mind in everything I say or do.

I am so conscious that there is nobody monitoring my progress now. I opted out of Protocol and the doctors within their ‘chimneys of responsibility’, have written me off as a patient they are / were treating.

My gynecologist has done her job, she found the tumor, until I see her again for the normal yearly checkup, there is no need to see her.  

The surgeon has done his job. He removed the tumor.

The oncologist just saw €50000 disappear as a result of me not carrying with Chemo. Whilst theoretically he is overseeing my Herceptin treatment, his ‘meetings’ last less than 4 minutes, where he photo copies my blood test results.

The radiologist is frustrated that I have decide against radiotherapy and I don’t have a reason to see her again.

I understand, I don’t fall within any of their responsibility now. So yes, I am ‘obsessed’. Whether people agree with my decision or not, I am basically now self-treating / self-healing and hope to hell it works. Time will tell. Remember my email I sent to my family weeks ago, where I said, ‘fucked either way’, well I am really.

If my self-treatment does not prevent cancer popping up somewhere else in my body, the world is likely to think / say : ‘ what did you expect?’ and of course they are right. The same can be said if I had continued on the ‘Chemo train’ and developed secondary illnesses, which are within the ‘normal acceptability’, then I would say to myself, ‘what did you expect?’

And yes, I have started to develop something pretty annoying, I side effect. I researched it, I believe it is called ‘Tinnitus’. I have had an awful ‘ringing sound’ in my ear for a few days now. It is particularly notable at night, when there are no other sounds to be heard.  Fascinating what I read.

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/tinnitus/symptoms-causes/dxc-20180362
A common cause of tinnitus is inner ear cell damage. Tiny, delicate hairs in your inner ear move in relation to the pressure of sound waves. This triggers ear cells to release an electrical signal through a nerve from your ear (auditory nerve) to your brain. Your brain interprets these signals as sound. If the hairs inside your inner ear are bent or broken, they can "leak" random electrical impulses to your brain, causing tinnitus.
Other causes of tinnitus include other ear problems, chronic health conditions.

Whilst I am not enjoying having a permanent sound in my ear, at least I know what is causing it. So even the hairs ( which I can’t see) inside my ears have fallen out. My father in law, who I loved nearly as much as Geoff, would have said, ‘Well son, I’ll be blowed’. Remarkable!

Saved myself a trip to the doctor, who no doubt would have taken the opportunity to tell me how naïve I am, not continuing with Chemo or not starting Radiotherapy.

Even though ‘Cancer’ is in the forefront of my mind most of the time, there are so many other things happening right now, which put a smile on my face.

Rhea has just completed, the ‘Mudder 2016’ challenge.  And even though she claimed not to have trained, she seems to have done an amazing job. I am really proud of her.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YaKNaWDgfFA

Kyla who is working flat out dealing with rude holiday makers on a daily basis, including having to deal with the ‘emergency phone’ day and night. Why do people think it is ok to call at 04.00am in the morning to report their ‘emergency’ of ‘I can’t get the internet to work’? Why do people ask for compensation the minute their taxi ( who does not work for us) is late? Why do people threaten with TripAdvisor, if we don’t agree to giving a discount? Despite all this, our little grand child ( I am sure it’s a girl !!!) is growing, no doubt listening to all the unreasonable demands being put on Kyla.

And Jack, who is literally working around the clock, has just told us that he will stay for a few days after the wedding. I am over the moon, even though he has surprised me a couple of times by popping over, he could only ever stay 24 hours. It will be great to catch up with him. We might be able to all have a great night in Malaga, now that our other apartment is finally completed.

Obsessed about cancer? Yes, I am, naturally. But I am also excited about so many other things happening in our life's, 2 weeks until the wedding. 2 weeks until so many people from all over the world come and join us for Kyla and Dan's wedding. Robbie and Craig from New Zealand, Farmer from Singapore, Michael and Rebecca from China, Cheese from the States, Marieke from Holland and so many more..................... it will be a fantastic day, weekend, week!!!