Friends, families, onlookers.........

How do partners, parents, boyfriends, girlfriends, brother, sisters, husbands, wives ………………….and close friends digest and deal with someone close to them being diagnosed with Cancer? That dreaded word, associated with shock, sadness, pain and often death. How do families get supported and how they support each other?

I have read some tragic stories / blogs written by cancer sufferers , who are not as lucky as me, who ultimately did not survive.  In this strange journey I find myself on, I have to admit that ‘death’ is something I have simply put to the back of my mind. My time has simply not come yet. This in itself is interesting, at what point does one change that belief?  If I am sure of one thing, I am not going to die as a result of this, contrary to Dr. Bully’s the oncologist belief.

In the book I mentioned earlier ‘The Insider’ written by Prof. Dr. Peter Yoda,  he mentions the ‘40^th research’, which refers to  three people leading and authorizing ‘research’.  I am not making judgement here, but simply looking at this research, if it is true. The three ‘people’ were Stalin, Mao Tse-Tung and Adolf Hitler, who gave permission to carry out testing on animals and humans. Apparently this research is referred to as the ‘40^th research’ , because most of these studies were carried out during that time. If this is correct than I find one of the many studies carried out quite remarkable.

Three groups of people were chosen.

Group 1, became cholera infested water to drink without knowing that they were not drinking normal water.

Group 2, became the same cholera infested water to drink and were told, after they had drunk it what it was.

Group 3, were given normal tap water and were told that they had just drunk cholera infested water.

According to the study, nobody in Group 1 died.

In Group 2 nearly everyone died and in Group 3 over half of the group died.  ( the symptoms they displayed were Cholera related) If this is true, ( I say that, as I have no evidence other than what I read in the book), then the leads me to conclude the power of the mind is stronger than many can imagine.

I have read and heard from several people ( friends  and friends of mine who have either had / have cancer) that yoga and meditation is recommended. I have to admit I tried Yoga with probably the best teacher there is Mirka Finney a few years ago, but was too stressed and ‘busy’ at work, to be able to let my mind rest for more than a nano second. The end result was, that during the Yoga session, I was mentally writing emails that I needed to get off. It did not work for me. I am not sure if I am in the frame of mind now, but feel much calmer than I have ever felt in my life. Strange really, I am the most unstressed person in my family now. This brings me back to families, friends and onlookers.  ( I might give Yoga another try though, Mira is you are reading this, I hope you are ready!)

So why is it, that I feel calm, stress free, happy and in control and none of my family are feeling the same?

Looking back to last year ( August 2015) , when Dan ( Kyla's future husband, our future son in law), was diagnosed with cancer as the tender age of only 31. I remember driving home from the office one evening just after Dan had been diagnosed, just sobbing my eyes out, screaming out loud in the car at nobody really, again and again , how ‘unfair’ it was.  This incredibly feeling of helplessness and not being able to have any impact or any effect, was like a drowning , sinking feeling.  The sun was shining, I did not see. To see Kyla literally crumble in front of my eye, to just sink to the bottom in terms of her thoughts, feeling and emotions broke my heart. Nothing I could do to change the world back to what it had been. This is one year ago!

The depth of despair I remember so well. During all of this Dan, appeared outwardly to be coping better than any one of us around him. Every doctors consultation, every test, the operation, the awful time in recovery, the 6 months of not knowing whether or not the operation was reversible, the second operation, the even worse recovery, Dan just appeared to take it in his stride. Outwardly at least.

For us, his parents Terry and Linda, Geoff myself and Kyla ( I am sure many more friends and family, but I am referring to what I saw and experienced), is was an emotional roller coaster. Watching Kyla was emotionally nearly as bad as  watching Dan. Dan who must have gone through the shock of the diagnosis in the first place, two operations, the recoveries, ( both) and uncertainty in between the operation, if his inner thoughts and emotions were reflected by what we saw, then he was calm and taking each day and each step as they came.

Kyla in comparison,  was so strong in front of Dan, but the minute she walked away from him  she crumbled.  Watching every second, being present during every consultation, listening, taking it in, digesting it, but not having any input because it’s not ‘you’, is / must be traumatic. I would add that Kyla developed the most amazing nursing skills and I applaud her for that and have the highest respect.

Having gone through ‘watching / being part of’ such an upsetting period as a mother, mother in law! (Ha, Dan, you could not ask for a better one!!!) friend, onlooker, I think I do understand what my family must be going through. Everyone one of them deals with traumatic and upsetting situations differently and I now am finding it honestly interesting ( this time I really mean ‘interesting’) how each one of them deals with it in their way. Of course I can only judge by what I see and just like Kyla, just like me, when we tried to be strong in front of Dan, I guess this is what I am seeing. No doubt it is different when they have walked away from me.
Now that alone is fascinating, does this mean, that people, including myself, show only part of their emotions and feelings in front of the ‘sufferer’? I really hope my family are not this ‘crying mess’ I was last year, when finding myself as the ‘family, friend, onlooker’, every time I turned away from Kyla and Dan.

I was aware of lot so phone calls, messages, whats up’s ( still no idea who to spell that) going on around me, without me. Therefore I surmise, that my family must be doing what ‘we’ did last year. The different groups on whats up, and the long messages of support for each other, to help us be strong in front of Dan, I guess is what my family and close friends have done. ‘Trying to look strong and positive’ in front of the ‘sufferer’.

That raises guilt;

Guilt because of the suffering I am causing as a result of being a sufferer. ( I know what I mean!).

Guilt, because I have worked through this ‘cancer stuff’ in my head and am fine now, but the rest of the family are not.

Guilt, because I can’t help them? Or can I, by being fine, I guess?

Guilt, because apart from ‘them’ ( shorter and easier than to write , ‘friends, family onlookers’) having to also come to terms with me having cancer, but also because I made the decision that I was ‘opting out of chemo’ and looking for  alternative treatment.

Guilt, because even though we had endless phone calls, family meetings, discussions on what alternatives I would / could opt for, how, where, when and explaining the rationale behind the ‘why’, the end of the day, they were / are all onlookers and that must  them caused them a lot of stress, as well as  possibly causing  this ‘helpless feeling’ , that I experienced last summer.  

I really get it.  But how to help ‘family, friends, onlookers’ cope that really is the challenge……………… It makes me feel guilty, it feels like I am sucking the life out of the people around me, who care, and I am becoming stronger, whereas the same can’t be said for them. When and how will that balance return? When a doctor, ( in my case, I wonder who I will turn to..) states, that I am ‘cancer free’? That then takes us back to the power of the mind again. Do we need the official reassurance? Is this what my family need to hear? I don’t know, but in the meantime, I can honestly say for what it’s worth, I am just fine!!!

And……………. ( should never start a sentence with ‘and’), I have booked my flight to Mallorca, ready for a learning trip!