Cutting my hair ...........

11.7.16

I have had my hair cut a few days ago. My family tell me it makes me look younger and that it looks lovely. I feel awful. 

Everything about this experience was awful. Kyla had kindly organised the trip to our hair dresser Renate, a lovely kind woman, who closed the salon one evening for us. 

We both went, because Kyla had a hair trial for the wedding in September and I was having it cut in preparation for the big day, when it would all fall out. I had been told that if I cut it short, I would be less upset when it all starts falling out.  It felt almost surreal. I went first and had it cut shoulder length. Kyla then had her hair trial. She looked stunning, just beautiful. During that time I kept starring into the mirror, trying not to lose it. I looked like I had done when I was 12 years old, only now with grey hair, lines the start of a double chin, but the same childish haircut. I tried so hard not to cry. 

I felt selfish for thinking about myself and my lost hair, when my daughter was sitting next to me, trialing the hair style for what should be and will be the happiest day of her life. Once she had decided that this hairstyle was the one for the big day, I turned to Renate again, and asked her to take more off.  She duly did and improved the style, but with the end result of me now being reminded of old photos from when I was 8 years old. We called it at day and went home. I could not bear to look in the mirror.  I think the big thing for me was that I had my hair cut because I had to and not because I wanted to, which made it impossible for any hairdresser to make me feel good about myself. I felt fatter than I normally feel, felt I drew attention to myself, but not in a positive way and felt very exposed. How ridiculous!

A couple of days ago, I was scheduled to pick my wigs up. I don’t know if I was looking forward to this, as it meant a kind of safety net for when it was all going to happen, or dreading it, because it made it feel so real. Moses my contact / hairdresser / life saver was just fantastic. Bearing in mind I entered the shop, feeling huge, fat, ugly and exposed, he actually made me feel good about myself. I found out everything about him and his 7 brothers and sisters, his sexual preference, his knowledge about the side effects of chemo, his advice on false eye brows and so much more.